13 How do visitors see your church?

The Mystery Worshipper visits church services in the USA and internationally and then answers a series of standard questions, which are actually pretty useful for all of us who welcome (I hope) visitors every Sunday:

What was the name of the service?
How full was the building?
Did anyone welcome you personally?
Was your pew comfortable?
How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
What were the exact opening words of the service?
What books did the congregation use during the service?
What musical instruments were played?
Did anything distract you?
Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
Exactly how long was the sermon?
On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
How would you describe the after-service coffee?
How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?

The responses are presumably accurate, but written in a lively style with humor in mind.

“Did anything distract you?” “Yes, when the clown’s nose fell off.” “Yes, overly well-groomed minister--should have spent as much time on the sermon.” “Yes, a younger couple kissed deeply and passionately about every three minutes.”

“Did anyone welcome you personally?” “Not one parishioner said a word to us.” “An elderly woman with an oxygen tank chased us to give us a glossy red folder crammed with brochures describing all the ministries of the church.” “The man who handed me the bulletin greeted me, and several people in the sanctuary introduced themselves during the dreaded "greet the person next to you" time.”

“Which part of the service was like being in heaven?” “The people in the congregation all really seemed to love each other.” “The narrow Gothic arches go up forever and the massed voices, remarkably soft and clear, seemed to rise up with them. Shivers ran up and down my spine.” “None. The service lacked any transcendent moments.”