How to ride a dead horse--the church version

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians—passed on from generation to generation—says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

Modern churches, however, have found a whole range of far more advanced strategies to use, such as:

1.     Buying a stronger whip.

2.     Changing riders.

3.     Declaring, “God told us to ride this horse.”

4.     Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5.     Threatening the horse with termination.

6.     Proclaiming, “This is the way we’ve always ridden this horse.”

7.     Develop a training session to improve our riding ability.

8.     Reminding ourselves that other churches ride this same kind of horse.

9.     Determining that riders who don’t stay on dead horses are lazy, lack drive, and have no ambition - then replacing them.

10.  Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

11.  Reclassifying the horse as “living-impaired.”

12.  Hiring an outside consultant to advise on how to better ride the horse.

13.  Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

14.  Confessing boldy, “This horse is not dead, but alive!”

15.  Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.

16.  Riding the dead horse “outside the box.”

17.  Get the horse a Web site.

18.  Killing all the other horses so the dead one doesn’t stand out.

19.  Taking a positive outlook – pronouncing that the dead horse doesn’t have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the church’s budget than do some other horses.

20.  Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

21.  Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

22.  Name the dead horse, “paradigm shift” and keep riding it.

23.  Riding the dead horse “smarter, not harder.”

24.  Stating that other horses reflect compromise, and are not from God.

25.  Remembering all the good times you had while riding that horse.

Sources for this version

Walking in unity with the ELCA

Lutran Airlines

I've heard this before; pretty funny--if you're Lutheran or Scandanavian. Helen sent it. If you can't get the audio to work, I've added the transcript.



Lutran Airlines
Minnesota has a new airline... YA, SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA AND MONTANA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is an upliftin experience.

Der is no first class on any Lutran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of de aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599. "Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis once. In de event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't boder with doze little masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about than dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet ... sort a like driving across a plowed field; but after a while you get used to it. In de event of a water landing, I'd say, forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?"

De use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may interfere with da plane's navigational system, which is by seats of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee pot up front. Den, we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now it is time I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close. Amen!"

National Day of Prayer

Hymns and praise choruses--the difference

A Funny Little Story About Hymns and Praise Songs~
By: Author Unknown
Seen at Maiden in the House of God

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer. "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses?" asked the wife. "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked the wife.

The farmer said, "Well it's like this ... If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you,

'Martha, Martha, Martha,Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows,the white cows, the black and white cows,the COWS, COWS,COWS are in the corn,are in the corn, are in the corn,in the CORN, CORN, CORN, COOOOORRRRRNNNNN,'

then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus."


~As luck would have it, the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."

"Hymns?" asked the wife. "What are those?"

"They're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked the wife.

The young man said, "Well it's like this ... If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you,


'Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.'

Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four, and change keys on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."

You might be a Lutheran if. . .

I've seen this several times, and laugh every time. It's on the end of a Garrison Keillor piece about singing with the Lutherans, which is delightful, although I'm not sure who added it. A friend forwarded it today, so I'm adding it for a chuckle--my comments are in brackets about our congregation, UALC. Parentheses belong to someone else.

The following list was compiled by a 20th century Lutheran who, observing other Lutherans, wrote down exactly what he saw or heard:

1. Lutherans believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.

2. Lutherans like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.

3. Lutherans believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don't notify them that they are there.

4. Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins. [Not at UALC.]

5. Lutherans believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.

6. Lutherans feel that applauding for their children's choirs would make the kids too proud and conceited. [at UALC we've been applauding at least 30 years for the children, and occasionally the organist after the postlude]

7. Lutherans think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace. [at UALC we wander around during this greeting time]

8. Lutherans drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.

9. Some Lutherans still believe that an ELCA bride and an LC-MS groom make for a mixed marriage. (For those of you who are not Lutherans, ELCA is Evangelical Lutheran Church in America and LC-MS is Lutheran Church Missouri Synod, two different divisions of the same Protestant religion. And when and where I grew up in Minnesota, intermarriage between the two was about as popular as Lutherans and Catholics marrying.)

10. Lutherans feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.

11. Lutherans are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.

12. Lutherans think that Garrison Keillor stories are totally factual.

13. Lutherans still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole add a little too much color.

14. Lutherans believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

And finally, you know you're a Lutheran when:

*It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service;

*You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can;

*Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee;

*The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight;

*When you watch a 'Star Wars' movie and they say, 'May the Force be with you', you respond, 'and also with you';

*And lastly, it takes 15 minutes to say, 'Good-bye'.

May you wake each day with His blessings,
Sleep each night in His keeping,
And always walk in His tender care.
Shared by a Lutheran